WOMEN NEED TO FEEL CONNECTED: DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BONDING AND INTIMACY?
Here's a true story told to me by a girlfriend of mine:
Joan and her husband, Benjamin, decided to go on a four-day canoe trip with another couple who were close friends. All of them were into wilderness sports, and they were excited about exploring a river they'd heard a lot about. The plan was that they'd travel together for the first day, and on the second day, the couples would split up— Joan and Abby would go off on their own ladies' retreat, and Benjamin and Craig would have their own men's retreat. Then they would all meet up together for the fourth and final day of the trip.
The second day of their adventure arrived. Joan and Abby said good-bye to their husbands and paddled away, setting up camp later that evening on a beautiful spot near the riverbank. They ate dinner, watched the stars come out, and talked for hours and hours until they finally fell asleep. The next day went as smoothly as the one before, and by the time they met Benjamin and Craig on the morning of the fourth day, they felt as close as sisters.
The couples finished their final day together, packed up their equipment, and shared affectionate farewells before they got into their separate vehicles to drive back home. Joan and Benjamin spent the first hour of the trip home comparing notes on the sights they'd seen and sharing the highlights of their experience. Then Joan asked her husband, "How did you get along with Craig?"
"Oh, we got along just fine," Benjamin said. "He's a terrific person, and we got pretty close."
"I'm so glad to hear that," Joan responded happily, knowing Benjamin didn't have many male friends he could open up with. "What did you guys talk about?"
'Talk about? I don't know... lots of stuff."
"Well, like what?" Joan asked curiously.
"Hmm, let me think. Well, we talked a lot about ecology. Craig studied it when he went to college. And we had some really good discussions about camping equipment. There are some new manufacturers coming out with breakthrough products that sound really exciting. Oh yeah, we also spent a lot of time talking about the stock market. Craig's brother is a broker, and he had some very revolutionary ideas about how to divide up a portfolio that I think could be helpful to me."
As Joan listened to her husband report on his conversations of two days with his friend, she could hardly believe her ears. This was what they'd shared that made him feel close to Craig? This was all they'd discussed after spending forty-eight hours alone together with nothing else to do? Surely he was leaving something out. She tried again:
"Honey, did Craig mention anything about his relationship with Abby?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"What about his father, did he talk about him at all?" Joan probed.
"His father—why would he bring something like that up?" Benjamin answered in a puzzled voice.
"Benjamin, this is just baffling to me. Didn't Craig tell you that Abby is thinking of leaving him, that they'd been talking about it for a few months already? Or that his father has Alzheimer's and Craig just had to put him in a nursing home last week right before the trip? And what about their daughter's heart condition—didn't he at least mention that?"
"How do you know all of this?" Benjamin asked his wife suspiciously.
"What do you mean, how do I know? Abby told me," Joan responded. "When?"
“When? Honey, on our trip, when do you think? I can't believe Craig didn't share any of this with you. Abby told me this stuff the first hour after we left you guys! She poured her heart out to me, and I ended up sharing so much about myself with her, and by the time we met up with you again, we felt so connected, like we'd known each other all of our lives. I don't understand how Craig could spend two days with you and not talk about anything that was really going on with him."
"Well, I didn't know any of this," Benjamin answered a little defensively. "But I'm telling you, we had a good time and got really close."
I love this story. It's such a great example of an important point that I want to share with you: the difference between bonding and intimacy. Joan had a profound experience of intimacy with her friend Abby. They shared their deepest secrets and feelings— they connected from the heart. This is what made them feel so close. But when Joan heard the content of Benjamin and Craig's conversations, she couldn't understand how they could possibly feel any kind of closeness, for they hadn't shared emotions or inner truths with each other. What she didn't realize was that Benjamin and Craig did indeed feel close, not because they'd been intimate, but because they'd bonded.
Bonding requires physical proximity, and occurs when we share an important experience with another person. We belong to the same fraternity in college or play on the same team; we work together on the same committee to elect a political candidate or plan a project at work; we get trapped in the same elevator or sit next to each other on the same plane that is delayed for hours; we both have children on the same soccer team and watch the games together; we go through the same training seminar or travel on a canoe trip together.
Most of the time when men think about connecting, they mean bonding. Bonding is the most common way men feel close to one another—they share in a communal activity. They meet for a set of racquetball, or watch a football game on TV, or show each other new tricks they've learned on their computer, or go to a bar for a drink. Benjamin and Craig bonded on their canoe trip because they shared two days of adventuring together.
On the other hand, when women say they've connected with each other, we usually mean we've experienced intimacy. What's the difference between bonding and intimacy?
Bonding is a shared experience of connection that includes physical closeness or proximity.
Intimacy is a shared experience of connection that includes emotional closeness and mutual vulnerability.
Abby and Joan experienced intimacy because they shared emotional content with each other. They connected not just by being physically close and enjoying a mutual activity but by being emotionally close and mutually vulnerable. You could say they bonded and also experienced intimacy.
How does this difference between bonding and intimacy affect men and women in our intimate relationships? In every possible way!
Where do men learn to bond rather than to be intimate? They learn it from their own fathers, and from the way society encourages boys to be together, as opposed to how girls get to interact with one another. Traditionally, boys are taught from a very early age that their value is in doing things, whereas girls are taught that their value is not just in doing, but also in relating.
Imagine two small boys playing harmoniously together with tracks on the floor. Their parents will notice this and say, "Very good, kids. You're playing nicely." Now imagine two small girls sitting side by side, giggling and telling secrets for hours. Their parents notice this and say, "Very good, girls." Now, imagine two small boys sitting side by side, giggling and telling secrets for hours. Something about it is unsettling, isn't it? Why? Because we are used to seeing little girls connect by being intimate with one another, but we aren't used to seeing little boys connect with intimacy. These are the roots of how Abby and Joan connected on their canoe trip, and how Benjamin and Craig connected, and why there was such a difference.
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